No 1 Side Street, Lonely Avenue.

No. I will not cry. I will not cry.

Open dammit! Calm down girl. Deep breath. Steady. Now slowly, pick out your key from the bunch and slide it into the keyhole. Like you do every night. Now go to the fridge, take out a beer. Okay two. Go to your room. Don't stop, don't think, just get into bed, drink your beer and wait for sleep to take you. Be merciful God. Let the sleep come early tonight. Please.

I need to pee. No i need to get back to sleep. If i pee, the sleep may not come back. Ignore it. Close your eyes, take your mind off your bowels and focus on sleep...

Damn, i need to pee.
I sigh heavily as i trudge wearily to my bathroom because i know that the sleep will not come back.


I did not ask for him to love me.
The minute we met, i put him in the 'friend zone'. I wasn't looking for a guy and he had a girl. We were too alike anyway, it'd be awkward. Same mannerisms, thought and behavioral patterns, we even had mood swings at the same times. Birthdays, a few days apart. It would be like we were dating ourselves. Awkward much. *shudder*

So we talked. And hung. And laughed. And talked more. And understood. Even in silence. We didn't always need the words. But there was never an emotional connection. Not like i was interested in him that way but even if i was, his thing with his girl was pretty serious. I wasn't a fool to expect him to leave her for me. I didn't even want him to do that, they seemed like they had a good thing going. It was just nice to know someone who understood me perfectly even when sometimes i didn't understand myself. That's all it was. So i was careful to never cross the line.

I really can't say when the exact moment was that we crossed the line. It wasn't the first time he kissed me. I didn't respond; i wasn't moved. If anything, it reinforced that we weren't supposed to be more than friends. He got the message.

Somehow we spent a few hours together on Valentine's day. Kiss me dammit, i remember thinking. Lol. What can i say, i was lonely and it was Valentine's. Even the monks would want to feel wanted i think. He didn't see it though, couldn't sense that it was what i wanted. I guess he had finally accepted his 'friend' status.

So how? How did we get to this point were i'm clutching my stomach on this bathroom floor? Me?? Invulnerable, detached me? I can't seem to stop heaving. Breathe girl. You're gonna start hyperventilating soon. Why does it hurt? It should not hurt.

The second kiss was interesting. I responded this time. Not earth shattering but not bad. The third happened a few minutes after the second. I guess three times really is a charm. We were swept off our feet. Literally.

Okay so apparently, we connected physically as well as mentally.
Even then, we still kept things lighthearted. Unemotional. Or so  i thought.

Until yesterday.

It was really very silly. I did something, he got a bit upset and walked out. I wasn't prepared for the way my heart felt when he walked out. Why did i feel like i'd just been sucker punched? What did i care if i'd hurt him. I didn't care. I shouldn't care. I called him back.

"You're mad and i feel bad. I'm sorry", i couldn't say more. I was still trying to place all the emotions swirling inside me. Did i just say i was sorry? I never apologise outrightly. Never.
He sighed heavily. "I'm not mad babe. It just stings that you don't trust me."
"What do you want from me?!" I screamed, trying to push him away. My little hands did not do any damage to his sturdy chest. He inched in closer.
"Why won't you trust me babe? It stings that you don't trust me after all this", he said in the calmest of voices, taking my hands in his.
I withdrew my hands rapidly, "After all what? What is this exactly that we're doing?"
I couldn't believe i'd just said that. We were friends. Just friends. We'd defined that from the beginning. I knew he had a girl. What did i expect him to say? I wasn't even sure what i wanted him to say.
"Stop it. Stop it! I'm not this person. I don't know how to be vulnerable. Don't ask me to trust you. What's the point? You have a girl who makes you happy so where does that leave me?"
As i said those words, i knew i'd done it again. The last time i'd asked a guy to choose, it didn't turn out well. The rejection had stung. I swore i'd never do it again.

That story was almost funny. You know how you're driving on a legal lane and then someone on an illegal lane edges you out and before you know what's happening, you're the one who's illegal? I was the main chick. I'd known about previous side chicks but they were temps. They always faded after a while. But this one was different. I could tell. I asked him to choose.

Now i'd done it again. Or had i? Even if i had, did i want him to choose me? I didn't want him. I'm sure it would just be my ego that'd be bruised.

"I'm sorry. I have no right to ask you to trust me. I'm really sorry."

Oh God, he's choosing her. Of course, what did you expect? Let it go girl, just let it go, don't say anything.

I cleared my throat. "Okay. So i guess we should revert to the way things were in the beginning", i said in my most offhanded voice. Say no. Say you want me. Pick me.

"Okay. Lets do that."

My heart stopped beating. It's over babe, let it go. He's made his choice. "Yes, because if we continue on this path, we're headed straight for disaster." Come on. Tell me i'm wrong. Say you'd brave the disaster. Damn you, don't reject me.

"Yes, you're right." And he held out his right hand, "Friends?"

I sat numb for minutes (or maybe hours, i couldn't be sure) on the couch after he left. And then suddenly, as if in a trance, i picked up my keys and drove out of my house. I ended up at Swe bar. I sat at the bar and ordered a shot of tequila. Keep it coming, i told the bartender, I needed to try and ease this...feeling. I couldn't call it pain. It wasn't pain. It couldn't be pain. 

I looked at my watch, 06:30. The bar was relatively quiet at this time, except for the after work crowd that had started trickling in. There was a bit of commotion at the door and i turned and watched as a group of about five ladies walked in, one of them obviously the centre of attention. The rest seemed to be doting over her. I smiled sadly. I'd never been a part of a clique like that. I wasn't girly girly. Yes, i had a couple of girl friends but not the 'gossipy-borrow a pair of shoes' kind. These ones seemed particularly excited. Oh great, they picked a booth close to my spot at the bar. I remember thinking that i'd better hurry up and scram before their high pitched happiness started to irritate me.

They ordered champagne because as one of them loudly announced, "They were celebrating".

I ordered one more shot (my fifth) and asked for the bill as i unwittingly listened to them.

"So did you see it coming?", the fat one asked.

The queen bee flicked her hair to the side and replied, "Not at all. I mean of course, Bolaji and I were headed for marriage but i had no idea he'd propose so soon", she stretched out her left hand and they all oohed and aahed over the engagement ring. I turned round to have a look, paying no heed to the voice in my subconscious that registered the name 'Bolaji'. Not bad. I turned back, threw back my shot, paid the bill and made to get up when the fat one again (that girl just would not shut up) said, "So in three months you'd officially become Mrs. Bolaji Atobajaiye!"

I stopped dead in my tracks. It's not even possible. What were the odds? I got up and made as if i was walking past their table and stopped suddenly, squinting at the queen bee. "Hello, you look really familiar... Chidinma?"

"No, i'm Sophia"

Sophia. "Oh my bad, you just really look like an old friend. Congrats by the way, i overhead."

"Thank you!", she beamed, "It was the most romantic of proposals! It happened about 2 hours ago and i'm still not over it! He..."

"Err, i really have to go, i'm kinda in a hurry." She sure was chatty, this one. I didn't have the time. I had a phone call to make.

"Oh i'm sorry! I've not been able to stop talking about it."

"It's okay, i understand. All the best." I made a beeline for the exit. I didn't wait to get to my car, I dialed the number as soon as i stepped out. All the tequila seemed to have evaporated from my system.

"What's your girlfriends name?" I could not believe how calm my voice was. "Bolaji. I don't have the energy. I'll ask you one more time. What's your girfriend's name?"

"Sophia."

And so once again, i'm here. At No.1 Side street. Permanent address? I guess you could say i saw this one coming, yes?

It should not hurt so.

'Dania's Thoughts: Side chicks have feelings too.