Tuesday, 22 March 2011

No 1 Side Street, Lonely Avenue.

No. I will not cry. I will not cry.

Open dammit! Calm down girl. Deep breath. Steady. Now slowly, pick out your key from the bunch and slide it into the keyhole. Like you do every night. Now go to the fridge, take out a beer. Okay two. Go to your room. Don't stop, don't think, just get into bed, drink your beer and wait for sleep to take you. Be merciful God. Let the sleep come early tonight. Please.

I need to pee. No i need to get back to sleep. If i pee, the sleep may not come back. Ignore it. Close your eyes, take your mind off your bowels and focus on sleep...

Damn, i need to pee.
I sigh heavily as i trudge wearily to my bathroom because i know that the sleep will not come back.

I did not ask for him to love me.
The minute we met, i put him in the 'friend zone'. I wasn't looking for a guy and he had a girl. We were too alike anyway, it'd be awkward. Same mannerisms, thought and behavioral patterns, we even had mood swings at the same times. Birthdays, a few days apart. It would be like we were dating ourselves. Awkward much. *shudder*

So we talked. And hung. And laughed. And talked more. And understood. Even in silence. We didn't always need the words. But there was never an emotional connection. Not like i was interested in him that way but even if i was, his thing with his girl was pretty serious. I wasn't a fool to expect him to leave her for me. I didn't even want him to do that, they seemed like they had a good thing going. It was just nice to know someone who understood me perfectly even when sometimes i didn't understand myself. That's all it was. So i was careful to never cross the line.

I really can't say when the exact moment was that we crossed the line. It wasn't the first time he kissed me. I didn't respond; i wasn't moved. If anything, it reinforced that we weren't supposed to be more than friends. He got the message.

Somehow we spent a few hours together on Valentine's day. Kiss me dammit, i remember thinking. Lol. What can i say, i was lonely and it was Valentine's. Even the monks would want to feel wanted i think. He didn't see it though, couldn't sense that it was what i wanted. I guess he had finally accepted his 'friend' status.

So how? How did we get to this point were i'm clutching my stomach on this bathroom floor? Me?? Invulnerable, detached me? I can't seem to stop heaving. Breathe girl. You're gonna start hyperventilating soon. Why does it hurt? It should not hurt.

The second kiss was interesting. I responded this time. Not earth shattering but not bad. The third happened a few minutes after the second. I guess three times really is a charm. We were swept off our feet. Literally.

Okay so apparently, we connected physically as well as mentally.
Even then, we still kept things lighthearted. Unemotional. Or so  i thought.

Until yesterday.

It was really very silly. I did something, he got a bit upset and walked out. I wasn't prepared for the way my heart felt when he walked out. Why did i feel like i'd just been sucker punched? What did i care if i'd hurt him. I didn't care. I shouldn't care. I called him back.

"You're mad and i feel bad. I'm sorry", i couldn't say more. I was still trying to place all the emotions swirling inside me. Did i just say i was sorry? I never apologise outrightly. Never.
He sighed heavily. "I'm not mad babe. It just stings that you don't trust me."
"What do you want from me?!" I screamed, trying to push him away. My little hands did not do any damage to his sturdy chest. He inched in closer.
"Why won't you trust me babe? It stings that you don't trust me after all this", he said in the calmest of voices, taking my hands in his.
I withdrew my hands rapidly, "After all what? What is this exactly that we're doing?"
I couldn't believe i'd just said that. We were friends. Just friends. We'd defined that from the beginning. I knew he had a girl. What did i expect him to say? I wasn't even sure what i wanted him to say.
"Stop it. Stop it! I'm not this person. I don't know how to be vulnerable. Don't ask me to trust you. What's the point? You have a girl who makes you happy so where does that leave me?"
As i said those words, i knew i'd done it again. The last time i'd asked a guy to choose, it didn't turn out well. The rejection had stung. I swore i'd never do it again.

That story was almost funny. You know how you're driving on a legal lane and then someone on an illegal lane edges you out and before you know what's happening, you're the one who's illegal? I was the main chick. I'd known about previous side chicks but they were temps. They always faded after a while. But this one was different. I could tell. I asked him to choose.

Now i'd done it again. Or had i? Even if i had, did i want him to choose me? I didn't want him. I'm sure it would just be my ego that'd be bruised.

"I'm sorry. I have no right to ask you to trust me. I'm really sorry."

Oh God, he's choosing her. Of course, what did you expect? Let it go girl, just let it go, don't say anything.
I cleared my throat. "Okay. So i guess we should revert to the way things were in the beginning", i said in my most offhanded voice. Say no. Say you want me. Pick me.

"Okay. Lets do that."

My heart stopped beating. It's over babe, let it go. He's made his choice. "Yes, because if we continue on this path, we're headed straight for disaster." Come on. Tell me i'm wrong. Say you'd brave the disaster. Damn you, don't reject me.

"Yes, you're right." And he held out his right hand, "Friends?"

I sat numb for minutes (or maybe hours, i couldn't be sure) on the couch after he left. And then suddenly, as if in a trance, i picked up my keys and drove out of my house. I ended up at Swe bar. I sat at the bar and ordered a shot of tequila. Keep it coming, i told the bartender, I needed to try and ease this...feeling. I couldn't call it pain. It wasn't pain. It couldn't be pain. 

I looked at my watch, 06:30. The bar was relatively quiet at this time, except for the after work crowd that had started trickling in. There was a bit of commotion at the door and i turned and watched as a group of about five ladies walked in, one of them obviously the centre of attention. The rest seemed to be doting over her. I smiled sadly. I'd never been a part of a clique like that. I wasn't girly girly. Yes, i had a couple of girl friends but not the 'gossipy-borrow a pair of shoes' kind. These ones seemed particularly excited. Oh great, they picked a booth close to my spot at the bar. I remember thinking that i'd better hurry up and scram before their high pitched happiness started to irritate me.
They ordered champagne because as one of them loudly announced, "They were celebrating".
I ordered one more shot (my fifth) and asked for the bill as i unwittingly listened to them.

"So did you see it coming?", the fat one asked.
The queen bee flicked her hair to the side and replied, "Not at all. I mean of course, Bolaji and I were headed for marriage but i had no idea he'd propose so soon", she stretched out her left hand and they all oohed and aahed over the engagement ring. I turned round to have a look, paying no heed to the voice in my subconscious that registered the name 'Bolaji'. Not bad. I turned back, threw back my shot, paid the bill and made to get up when the fat one again (that girl just would not shut up) said, "So in three months you'd officially become Mrs. Bolaji Atobajaiye!"
I stopped dead in my tracks. It's not even possible. What were the odds? I got up and made as if i was walking past their table and stopped suddenly, squinting at the queen bee. "Hello, you look really familiar... Chidinma?"
"No, i'm Sophia"
Sophia. "Oh my bad, you just really look like an old friend. Congrats by the way, i overhead."
"Thank you!", she beamed, "It was the most romantic of proposals! It happened about 2 hours ago and i'm still not over it! He..."
"Err, i really have to go, i'm kinda in a hurry." She sure was chatty, this one. I didn't have the time. I had a phone call to make.
"Oh i'm sorry! I've not been able to stop talking about it."
"It's okay, i understand. All the best." I made a beeline for the exit. I didn't wait to get to my car, I dialed the number as soon as i stepped out. All the tequila seemed to have evaporated from my system.

"What's your girlfriends name?" I could not believe how calm my voice was. "Bolaji. I don't have the energy. I'll ask you one more time. What's your girfriend's name?"


And so once again, i'm here. At No.1 Side street. Permanent address? I guess you could say i saw this one coming, yes?

It should not hurt so.

'Dania's Thoughts: Side chicks have feelings too. 


  1. Truthfully sad story...

    *side Chicks do have emotions too*

  2. in todays naija, where the copy cat syndrome is basically a chronic disease, lots of people have thrown themselves on the blogging band wagon in a bid to sound intellectually superior and interesting. consequently the 'blogosphere'has been saturated with all types of posts all vying with each other for popularity, readers and comments. most of them are absolute rubbish. this one... this one is an exception. i dare say that this is the best blog ive read this year (no offence Mr. Banky W) and not just for the obvious reason which is its excellent plot, but for the less obvious reasons such as its structure, word play and thought flow. from the first sentence it is a captivating read. unlike other blogs where half way through you're only reading cuz you know the author or because it has turned into a trending topic, this one was a very good, and easy, read.
    Maybe i liked this blog bcuz i too am an occupant of Side Street ( No 2 to be exact) or maybe just because it didnt live up to my less that flattering opinion about blog posts. whatever the reason, i enjoyed it and i hope the author will continue to grace us with her eloquent writing skills. if nothing else, it will al least prove to be a pleasurable distraction.

  3. Wow... Personally I think guys could be very insensitive, dude needs to be purnished. Might I suggest "the frog jump"?

  4. Wowsies, dont know what to say but the girl was more than a side chick and should have considered it. Hindsight is 20/20 vision so i'll scrap that. Truthfully it just hurts knowing that you could have had it all.

    @mm The guy made his move and she called the wrong card. You cant blame the guy. I mean who proposes to another chick immediately his no1 chick 'Wants to revert to status quo' except of course he himself had hopes that were crushed.

  5. Cool blog.....
    she had her shot.... she shoulda understood

  6. Thanks all for reading and taking the time out to leave a comment :)

    @ Anonymous 1: Wow...Thank you very much for your extremely kind words. I truly appreciate. You sound a bit like a writer yourself...?

  7. Dania, side guys have feelings too. I was in a side chick-side guy relationship. I had a bf, he had a gf & we couldn't let go off each other. He didn't want to hear about mine. I wanted to hear about his for some kind of perverse punishment. We are still very much into each other. And I have no idea when it would stop. We have hurt each other so many times and always refer to the friend status but yet again, we find ourselves back into each other's arms. We never had sex cos that was one line I dared not cross but it was basically a celibate relationship. I'm crazy about this guy and my bf and whenever he picks her over me it kills me but oh well, I have an ace up my sleeves. I can always put him in his side guy position

  8. Good piece...like one of d comments said...it's got great structure n wordin, n it carries Ʊ along at just d right pace,so dat Ʊ stay hooked till d end.
    Sorry ur feelings wer hurt...guess we all learn from dese experiences n d best of us help others learn from dem to.
    Fortunately for me, altho I almost left home n ventured into Side Street, I changed my mind...I still remain just a careful observer (with my binoculars)...but still...lesson learned...side peeps hav feelings too...

  9. WOW this has happened to me before
    I was numb. couldn't feel shit. I don't know why i thought he'll ever pick me. for all i knew i was always number 2. he'll say he loves me and all but would never leave his babe to be with me. Side chicks really do have feelings. maybe i should make a guy a side guy so they can know how it fucking feels?

  10. Ada, this is very lovely. I thnk u should write for a magazine! or have a column in a newspaper. Ure that good!
    Well on this topic, hmmmn, ive been in this same spot and believe me, i alomst died! yea, died! I thnk we should have rules and draw lines whenever it comes to relationships with other ppl, infact wrt to nythg in life. Never start what u cnt finish!

  11. So @dania i solv d commentin issue *crakin fingers* let's go

    Dis is a crazy scenario btw bt its so tru n painful.but der so many ways 2look @it dat its hard 2b objectiv. Bt to be honest most guys treat d side chick with utmost disrespect n its painful 2hear stuff lik dis.

    I actuali agree with @ciiphii I think he was reali intrested n she shot him down by bein a typical babe n freakin out.if she'd don it diff it wud hav bn a diff ish

    Lik @anonymous sed she had a chanc n she blew it,daz wat I think

    So dear dania pls let's hear d guys point ov view in dis ish

  12. So this blog was recommended on my blog as one of the best blogspot blogs and I thought I'd check it out..
    WOW! You are reall really really good, I know this is an old post but this is part 1 apparently. Off to read part 2 and 3..

    Keep it up Dania..

  13. Everyone keeps going on about sidechicks have feelings too... First off why would you even make yourself a side chick? Once you see yourself becoming such, you put an end to it. Secondly you knw you'r a side chick how can you dare to hope that he picks you over his main wifey someday? Love d blog BTW :)

  14. Another classic!!! Gal u r good>. It's @ times like this that we feel there should be a deeper better word to describe good. Well simply put u r good!

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  16. I come here when I feel like I need a minute. Here, to these series.

    Now, I feel like I am in her shoes, but not really. I wish I could explain how I feel. Draw it out, like pretty words on a paper.

    He doesn't even have a girlfriend, but he still won't pick me. At least if there was someone, I will take consolation in the fact that if she wasn't there.

    I fancy myself a should be psychologist without requisite training. I am the Don Dada of these sort of thing. Conduct in relationships/situationships.

    I know that you can not love someone into submission. I know that you can't make someone feel something for you that they don't.

    I know that effort and dedication are the most important things to me.

    I know, that I half part resent this boy, for all these feelings.
    I know that I hate him a little.

    I know that I like him a lot, even when I hate him. I am even afraid of what being in love with this person would do to me.

    Because, here I am, no roots yet and I have lost my faculties. I really can't focus. I can't sleep.

    I keep saying that he doesn't love me. Lol. I don't love him too. But why am I here?

    Love needs to be nurtured. Nothing is being nurtured here. SO WHY AM I HERE?

    I have given myself all the pep talks in the world. All.

    I have poked my reflection in the mirror, called her all the names, still!!!!

    I am in a lot of pain.

    Permission to implode. Quarter to break down.


    Heartbreak towers, Corner of Indecision, Lonely Avenue.

    Because I am all these feelings rolled into one.

    You probably know who this is. Who else writes like this? Lol.