Wednesday, 13 April 2011

NO.

He moved over her, anchoring his weight on his elbows. She sighed. It had been a long day and she really just wanted to sleep. He began to kiss her lips and she decided to let him, at least for a while. She splayed her fingers on his bare chest, and kissed him back. Maybe if she put some effort into it, he'd let her be when she said it was enough.

She sighed in her head. She really should have just gone back to school with Motunde when they had finished at Surulere. But she'd promised him she was coming over and he'd kept calling. Plus she'd called Stella who had said there was still no light at school. For the third night in a row. At least I'll be able to sleep for more than 3 hours without battling mosquitoes and excruciating heat, she thought to herself as she made her way to his place at about 11:30pm.
Only for her to get here and meet darkness. Great. Just great. At least in school, she'd have slept without having to share her bed with anyone. She really hated sharing beds. I wonder what will happen when I'm married. She smiled at the thought.
He started trailing kisses down her neck and she shifted uncomfortably. Okay dude, time to sleep. She didn't even understand him sef. One second he was calling and asking where she was. The next, he was angry and berating her at the gate for coming so late and now he was kissing her. She could sense he was still angry though. There was a certain roughness in his kisses.
She tried to push him away. He didn't budge. She turned her face away from him. He turned it back.

"Ohi, I'm tired. I want  to sleep." He didn't answer but instead moved to her left breast and started to suckle through the top she was still wearing.

Ok, this isn't funny. His right hand snaked down to undo the button of her jeans and pull down her zipper.

"Stop Ohi." She was starting to panic.

"Wait. Just wait."

"Wait for what ehn? I said stop!" She started to struggle as he tried to pull down her jeans but he pinned her down easily. She was no match for his gym enhanced body.

"Just wait, stop struggling."

She paused. She remembered he'd told her before that struggling just spurred him on. He took of the jeans. He tried to take of her panties. He'd never taken off her panties before. She was fully panicked now.

"Ohi! What are you doing? Leave me alone, i told you I'm a virgin!" She latched onto her panties. He slapped her hands away. She couldn't see his face but she could feel the intensity of whatever emotion he was feeling.

Oh God! What do i do? Do i scream? He lives alone in a bungalow. His next door neighbours to the left and right are companies. His house is cut off. If i scream, no one would hear. Plus I'm scared of him now, he's so... there's no telling what he might do. Besides, the first question anyone would ask is what I'm doing at his house at this time of the night.

Her panties went off.

Oh God! Please, I'd do anything, just get me out of here. I promise to never get myself in this kind of situation again!

He parted her legs.

"Please! I beg you Ohi, in the name of God, please....NO!!!"

And then he was in. No preambles, meandering, nothing. One swift thrust and he was in.

She screamed. She wasn't sure which pain she felt more. The one in her heart or the one in her deep. The tears started.

Thrust.

Maybe i do deserve it.

Thrust.

Afterall, I came to his house, I wasn't forced.

Thrust.

Maybe its what I even wanted?

Thrust.

God please make him stop.

Thrust.

Its so hot. This room is so hot.

Shudder.

He pulled out. She curled up in the fetal position and let the tears come fully. He stretched out his hand to her. She recoiled.

"Come, lets go take a shower."

The tears came harder.

"COME NOW!"

She sobbed louder.

He went to take a shower.

He came back and met her as he left her: fetal position, still sobbing. He got in the other side of the bed and pretty soon she heard his snores.

The tears would not just stop.



The next morning, he acted like nothing had happened. Didnt mention it, wasn't even sober around her or anything. Just his normal self. The only reference he made to it was when he pulled off the sheets from the bed and said to her without turning, "You were a virgin after all." That was it.

And so in some twisted way, i convinced myself that it wasn't what it was. I couldn't bring myself to accept that i had been...couldn't even say the word. His not acknowledging it in any form, made it easier for me to convince myself that it wasn't what i thought it was.


We were together for long after that.


It wasn't until long after we broke up that i faced the truth. He was ill and i went to see him. We were still friends. He 'playfully' joked about how my sleeping with him again would cure his illness. I laughed it off. Playfully. And then:


"Maybe i should just rape you, after all that's how i got it the first time."


I froze. Time froze.


I was raped. It wasn't all in my head.




I hate you. You bastard. I hate you.



I forgive you.





'Dania's Thoughts
Ladies: Fire Burns. Always has, Always will.

Gentlemen: There seems to be this misguided opinion that when a woman says no, she doesn't really mean no. Listen to me. Carefully. If she says no, she means no. Don't be her self appointed interpreter and take it upon yourself to prove her otherwise. You are not in her head. No matter how much you think you are, you are not. Even if she doesn't mean no, let her say it herself. Stop this madness.












39 comments:

  1. I talked with a couple of friends who actually feel guys prove their manhood by "making" a girl have sex with her, they dont call it rape. I told them thats what it was n they laughed n called me soft and gay, then i said to myself, "I think i need a new set of friends"

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  2. Wow, such an important topic!!, anything but Yes means NO!!! beautiful writing! I will be back!

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  3. Wow.. this is an excellent piece.. I once wrote about this but you totally killed it... Education on this subject, especially among the women needs to be emphasized. Yes, women, because most guys hide behind the fact that alot of women put up excuses in the name of "fronting".
    Some might relate to this story and see nothing wrong with her carrying on with Ohi for a while after "the deed had been done" but to Ohi and his numerous friends he probably told the story to, it only further justified their claim that women "front".

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  4. Hmm...Dania,

    I can so relate to that story..was almost a victim ;Hot afternoon oh and we werent even dating!!! *whatever gave him the right to be interpreter of my feeling,rubbish*

    Promised never to go back to visit that "friend" and after a long time was actually considering saying "Hi" this weekend!!!

    Ha,how we ladies do forget that fire really does burn!!! i was lucky the first time..thanks for this very timely story. Definately holding on to my earlier decision.

    Nice one Dania! Nice one...

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  5. This is deep *not that kind of deep oh!*.

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  6. Things that happen.

    I would say firstly, that rape is wrong, then I would go on to also say that ambiguity is also wrong. Ladies should be explicit, not only with words, but with actions too.

    Although it's not always the case, there are many times a young lady puts herself in a position that suggests to the man that she is curious, wanting to explore. And then she gets there, he starts off, she follows through a little and then she tries to dance away at the last minute.

    Whatever happens after, happens. If you're not having sex, say it and act it.

    Ladies, Google Emily Nagoski(Feminist Sex Nerd) and read her blog.

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  7. No woman deserves to get raped and he should rot in jail for it but also women need to be careful.prevention is better than cure and all that talk about no bein no is not gettin any1 anywhere!u need 2protect urself also not put urself in delicate conditions cuz he can pay 4it with jail time but d deed has still been done.y sleep alone in a guys house whn u know ur not havin sex?that's playin with fire and expectin not to get burned..heck now I wouldnt even go visit a guy friend alone.talkless of be alone with a bf I'm not plannin to sex.

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  8. Chic U killed this piece! NO always means Not Open for discussion, it never means maybe, or perhaps, or I'm still processing my thoughts. It authoritatively means NO.
    I cringe at the thought that Rape is considered an ok thing to do. The fact that she then lived in denial afterwards makes it obvious that we think its a stigma and we would be blamed for the act, she may have endangered herself but its a guys place to protect not take advantage and prey on the vulnerable. It indeed is sad.
    Thank you for this piece ma'am.

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  9. Vry important something.allota of guys never accept dat NO actually means NO like @thetoolsman said they think its fronting.the best thing is to avoid compromising situations

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  10. Moving literature as always, Dania. The painful thing is, it's so too real.

    I look around me: a good number of my friends are female and I got tired of counting how many of them almost raped (and the occasional ones that were raped, even while as young as kids) at least once in their lives.

    So they call themselves men and yet they convey no dignified mien? Their private parts deserve to be entrenched with a culture of interminable flesh-eating bacteria.

    Kudos again, my friend.

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  11. Great post as usual Ada. very touching piece. Regardless of whatever name tags "such men" decide to label it with; "fronting", "posting" or "being a tease", if she doesn't say YES, then it is rape. According to my knowledge of the law, rape is having sexual intercourse without the other party giving CONSENT. If you sleep with her under any form of influence or duress, it is rape. Even if she consents initially then withdraws her consent at the last minute, and you still sleep with her, it is still rape! Moving away from the legal perspective, i think it's very animalistic for any guy to be groaning and moaning on a woman while she's screaming, not out of pleasure, but out of pain. It is not only a show of cowardice but it is also inhuman and degrading treatment. That being said, women also have their parts to play. They need to dump their naivety and be well informed/educated on how to steer clear of such situations. PLEASE, IF YOU'RE NOT READY TO SLEEP WITH HIM, DO NOT KEEP LEADING HIM ON. And men, please do not sugar-coat it, if she doesn't say YES or willingly open her legs for you, then don't push it. Real men do not force it, they let it happen naturally.

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  12. I know some guys who make dumb jokes about raping someone. That's just DUMB! And unacceptable!! Even if she wants to have sex with you, rape is never something to joke about.

    Oh and of course, while flogging the dead horse I might as well chip in: NO should always mean no, and YES yes especially when it involves a request from another human being. Anything less is edging on evil. My 2 cents.

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  13. Mea culpa. Permit my typo in my first comment. I meant "I got tired of counting how many of them almost got raped" and not "I got tired of counting how many of them almost raped".

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  14. Nice post.
    Totally against forced sex.

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  15. Beautifully writtten. Dotun is right, both guys nd girls have their own part to play, however, there is no excuse for it..rape is heinous no matter how u look at it.

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  16. You are a genius miss Dania....Adding you to my RSS feeds!!

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  17. I felt like I was there. You write beautifully. She should never have dated someone that began their relationship with rape.

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  18. Ada, I'm sure from my tweets you would realise that I'm very independent and a feminist of sorts. I do not believe that a girl gives a guy permission to rape her HOWEVER it is only common sense to prevent certain situations. Your story is from 1 side only. Had they previously discussed sex? It seems so because she remembered that struggling turned him on. She is dating someone who made it obvious that a woman's fright turns him on and she still slept over? Not a very smart move in my opinion.
    Couldn't she av pushed him off and run into the parlour or locked herself in the toilet? Even if it's to go into the kitchen and hold a knife.
    Since she already had her position on pre-marital sex, I would ask "why put yourself in that situation in the first place?" I'm female, I know how not to cause trouble for myself. If she's STUPID enough (yes, I said it) to sleep over in a guy's house who said that he likes "the struggle" then honestly I have to blame her. I'm not saying all guys are beasts (most I know r perfect gentlemen, very few I have pushed off and walked out on) and this guy is indeed a beast but if I go to computer village and I drop my laptop on some table and wander off for a bit and it gets stolen, please be honest don't I deserve some portion of blame?
    The koko of the matter remains, don't ever sleep over in a guy's house if you are not sure of him. Rape is hard to prove already, don't make it easier for the twerp to get away with it. Follow simple rules,1) when u go clubbing, don't accept already opened drinks from just any1 that buys for you, 2) wherever u go, have ur gfs with you and/or make sure you always have enough money on you for a cab and make sure there's credit on your phone.
    Common sense, ehn is what your main character lacked.

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  19. Well said... Nice deliverance!

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  20. The one thing I hope this post does, is raise awareness. For far too long have men gotten away with crimes under the mantra "I am a guy" or "she asked fo it".one might say she shouldt have stayed over so late, and especially with a guy who likes it when she "struggles", but there is NO justification for rape. No means NO. Excellent post on a touchy topic..

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  21. @ all: Thank you for all the comments and kind words.

    I agree with some of the things that have been said. Some others, I don't totally agree with. My final thoughts on the issue are totally captured in Dotbabe's comment.

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  22. Lovely piece Ada. Dotbabe has said it all. This issue is smthng a lot of ppl tend to ignore. Rape is wrong; to me, its pure wickedness. If a lady says NO, then she means NO. I thnk babes of this era hv dropped the "fronting" thng. If I want to sleep with a guy, there r ways to get the msg across to him. And girls too, why sleep over in a guy's house when u knw u hv nothing for him. We ladies shuld also be very careful so we sont get into messy situations.

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  23. Mehn Damisola is on fire. However I don't bliv guys can b pushed off. The only thing that might work is actually screaming. Also, babes we somtymz put ourselves in dis situatn by giving benefit of the doubt evry God damn time. Never ever do that, he's a "man" and ur well... A "woman", dnt let d last three letters of that word decieve u. He will over power u if he wants 2.
    As alwaiz, u nailed it babes

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  24. The worst part of this is that there's a 99% chance she would not say a word about what happened. I have a friend (girl) who was raped by her cousin while she was still a teenager. She told her mum and all she did was beat her and call her a prostitute. Many women are raped but sadly instead of protecting the victims and punishing offenders, the reverse is the case. Many women are suffering in silence because they are scared of the stigma attached to being a rape victim.

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  25. wow.wow.this soooo happened to me. for as long as i can remember getting raped was the one thing i was scared of. even death didnt scare me as much. actually told the idiot dude this. what does he do? some random day we were making out (naked of course) and he forced himself on me. u really did capture EVERY emotion i felt. for the first time that day i had an out of body experience. couldnt deal with what was happening so i left my body. after it all i knew i had to forgive him or it would eat me up and kill me. till today he doesnt think he did any thing wrong.
    men really need to learn that NO means NO. im soo happy this didnt ruin me and yet im soo sad for those that this has happened to and has killed something in them

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  26. Ummmmhhhh ….wow
    I was literarily praying along wit her that he would not do it…………
    Rape is a heinous beastly act. Any man who can rape a woman is an apology of a man and a disappointment to the original role and character men were designed to play.. gentle yet strong, protector, friend. That’s why for girls who have big brothers they feel like he can take on anything and anyone to keep them safe.
    And girl, what are you doing at that house alone at 11.30pm?! Naïve? Trusting? And then he starts and you think he’ll stop? PLEASE donot put yourself in compromising situations and positions! You cannot start a fire and try to barricade it off with wood? By your mere presence at that time of night, you lead him on, by being ON THE BED!!! You super lead him on and then all the foreplay….. my God!!? You start a raging fire in him. It will take a man’s man with serious fortitude, discipline and character to switch off that current but YES there are such men. But NO, I don’t want to be in that position to try to find out if he is one of such rare breed. Scenario, --- all wrong gal. Late night! Lone house! No neighbours! No light!! No back up or excape plan!!! I really felt for her, my heart bleeds for all victims…..
    Is that reason enough for a dude to take advantage? HELL NOOOO!!! But gals lets wise up!!! Big time! Every girl should have a drill ----- HOW TO ESCAPE FROM A RAPIST!! The one that creeps upon you or otherwise!!!
    Kudos doll.

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  27. Nice post.

    I admit rape is very bad. Rapist should serve the same punishment with 'attempt murder' offenders. Its so wrong.

    Aside the random rapes, To any extent, ladies can avoid the 'boyfriend-girlfriend' or 'parole' rapes. A went out clubbing with your boyfriend that has been disturbing you sex, you both get drinks, danced, grinded, kissed in his tipsy state in the club, goto his crib after d party, all you're wearing is his big t-shirt & nothing else, you loiter as he stared & admired his babe. You get into bed, you can a lil & he doesn't stop because of whatever till he succeeded in having sex with you then you turn away & start crying.

    Its true, he raped her. But she could have avoided it.

    Its like leaving your phone a table at the concession stand, then you go see a movie. Then you come back to say your phone was stolen. Yes, it was.

    NB: NOT ALL GIRLS' "NO" MEANS "NO". YOU CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

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  28. RAPE called by any other name is still rape.

    Bottom line still remains being better safe than sorry. Like Oj said you cant start a fire and then expect it to be extinguished just like that. If you dont plan to sleep with a guy thats been asking you for sex please dont share the same bed.

    For the guys, forcing a girl to have sex with you is just plain beastly, selfish, brutish and Neanderthal in nature. I've always believed sex/lovemaking, call it whatever you want is a 2 party thing. Both parties ought to enjoy it.

    Thrusting into a struggling lady is no different from you just frigging fucking a blown up doll. Its really sad that this is considered as manly. even if the babe is "fronting" so freaking what! NO is NO, there are other ways to get the YES.

    We really need to start ensuring that the culprits are not allowed to get away with it instead of stigmatizing the victims.

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  29. This almost happened to me, severally. I'm really grateful it didn't because I KNOW I was looking for trouble, nonetheless, not all girls look for trouble and its so sad that the awareness is lacking on how to report such incidences even if she followed him to his house. Let's all hope more stuff like this come out and get people really talking about the dangers of date-rape

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  30. My heart skipped a couple of beats while reading this. How sad. I wish she hadn't stayed with him. :(

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  31. WOW!*standing ovation*....beautiful piece,necessary message...ppl also need to learn not to let shame or the fear of what people will think or say keep them from reporting a rape case

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  32. What great, eye opening post. You could'nt have written it any better Dania. The same happened to me, but in a car! So for those of you saying dont go his house or sleep in the same bed. Rape can happen anywhere! This was a guy I trusted, he gave me a lift everyday from work. Except for that one night, he decides to park by the road and force himself on me. In his car! Who is to blame? Me or him? I had flirted a little, no doubt but he should have stopped when he kissed me and I told him to stop. He should have stopped when his hands was in my knickers and I begged him to stop. He should have stopped when he pinned himself on me on the passengers seat and I begged to let me go. He wasn't hearing "No! Stop! Please! Get off me!" In his mind, it's translated as "Yes! More! Please!" And ofcourse he acted like nothing had happened the next day.

    This is a serious issue, but unfortunately, I don't even have an answer.

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  33. Your writing skills amaze me. Wow.

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  34. she should have stabbed d guy to death in his sleep and den left the house..end of story!

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  35. Well. What i thnk is, she shouldnt have slept over at his place knowing struggling kinda turns him on. I also know that when guys are turned on, its very difficult to turned back off.

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  36. a very good story and yes, guys should learn to take a girl's word as it comes

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  37. Nice 1 dania just hope dey all learn from this and 4 we guys we sure need to respect our ladies decision... Allow her NO to b No guess 1 day we wuld get a spices up YES.... Nice1 ADANice 1 dania just hope dey all learn from this and 4 we guys we sure need to respect our ladies decision... Allow her NO to b No guess 1 day we wuld get a spices up YES.... Nice1 ADA

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